"Selfishness- it is a sin of excessive separation of interests and, at the same time,
one of the hardest forms of harmony in love:
increased pride, combined with neglect of others. "
The word "egoist" is translated as "I am." Egoism has many manifestations, direct and indirect, both in behavior, and in life circumstances, and in speech, and in a gesture, and in appearance, and in the profession. It can be congenital and acquired. Determining selfish manifestations in oneself is not so difficult as it seems, because at certain moments we lose control of ourselves and show our true face. Or we act as we used to, without noticing it ourselves. It is to such "little things" that one must be extremely attentive. After all, little things show the internal state of a person and his nature.
V. Vestnik: “The desire to receive as many pleasures and pleasures as possible naturally for any organism, because it is formed evolutionarily. In an effort to satisfy their desires, the body performs the whole complex of actions necessary to maintain vitality. Since organisms mainly live in the conditions of society, in this set of necessary actions there are also those that contribute to the survival of the community. For example, caring for neighbors and the weak. These are actions altruistic in nature, and they are motivated by the corresponding evolutionarily formed feelings of unity and love. It turns out that the ability to enjoy altruistic actions is inherent in nature. And not just like that, to decorate being and inspiration of romantics, but for species survival. Therefore, morality is the norm, and egoism is a pathology. And to say that the egoist is a moral monster will not be an exaggeration. It is on the basis of egoism that criminal intentions arise. By and large, all the criminals are selfish. ”
MANIFESTATIONS OF SELFISHNESS
This list of manifestations is far from complete. Watching yourself and the world, you will surely find a lot more. And egoism is not always so clearly visible, as described below. But, if there is at least one of the manifestations, there is still a lot of real work on oneself to overcome this spiritual inferiority.
- He is inclined to constantly evaluate himself and others - to criticize, condemn, gossip, slander, have prejudices (often inside is a “hackneyed record” of criticism of someone or something).
- Stubborn, prone to stubbornness, automatic "no" as the rejection of everything and everything. At the same time - the lack of desire to do something, change yourself.
- Very painfully endures the expression of disagreement from relatives, and the resistance of his partner can be perceived as a denial of himself.
- He always seeks the cause of what is happening in others, outside himself, does not want to understand, see the reason in himself (“I have nothing to do with it”).
- He thinks in polar categories, for him there is no middle ground - either grandiose in his achievements (he is the best, stands at the very top of the world!), Then insignificant (but also great in his insignificance, because there is no one worse than him in the world). Therefore, victory takes him to heaven, and defeat leads to a state of depression.
- I am convinced that in this world there is someone better and someone worse, and moreover, he often considers himself to be the “best”.
- It clearly divides people into “friends” and “strangers” (by the type of “men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, and we don’t understand each other”).
- Does not accept dissenters, dissenters, newcomers (for example, collective egoism).
- He deliberately identifies “his own” (by kinship, nationality, place of residence, profession, education, etc.) and gives them priority benefits to the detriment of and with hostility to “strangers”.
- Focused on self. He has an overestimated self-esteem, believes in his exclusivity, rarity. Considers himself irresistible. Inclined to narcissism and loves only himself, his beloved. And from here - envy to those who, in his opinion, are “worse”, but for some reason receive “undeserved” benefits.
- He is inclined to attract attention by any means, to distinguish himself.
- He loves flattery, praise, compliments, distinguishing himself from others.
- Depends on the recognition of others, focuses on the opinions of others.
- It needs a constant manifestation of self-love or submission, is looking for those who are ready to merge with it, obey, confirm its significance.
- She dreams of an “ideal man”, “an ideal family”, “an ideal child” (“who, like me, should get the best”).
- He has inflated "bar" in life, ambition, inclined to careerism, the race for prestige, external attributes.
- Seeks to fight for a better place, fierce competition, likes to participate in various competitions, contests and, most importantly, to win.
- He values his personal freedom above all, but often to the detriment of others.
- At the other extreme (in contrast to high ambitions and high standards), he is inclined to the position of “victim”, self-pity, to self-humiliation.
- Prone to dictatorship, tyranny, suppression of others (to such a dictatorship when a whole nation works to meet the needs of one person).
- He gives excessive importance to his work. Thus, he convinces himself and others of his significance. He is inclined to merge with his social status, constantly talks about his achievements, talks about his opportunities, what kind of an irreplaceable employee he is, about influential people with whom he is familiar.
- He is inclined not to fulfill his duties (daughter / son, mother / father, wife / husband, boss / subordinate, man / woman, person, Soul), shifting this to others.
- It attracts the selfish reactions of others (i.e., the egoists nearby).
- Accuses them of indifference and selfishness in relation to themselves.
- He often makes friends with selfish people, with swindlers, bandits, bribe takers, corrupt officials, etc. And, therefore, morally supports, participates in their crimes (through energy-information communication).
- Imposes his opinion, points out, manages people, subordinating them to his ideas about how to live, work, love.
- Invades the interests, freedom of others, imposes its own rules, beliefs, values.
- He has low motivation to engage in socially useful activities (unless this only brings “bonuses" for him personally).
- He does not know how to work in a team, prefers separately, on his own. Or seeks to occupy a dominant position.
- He makes high demands on his partner (spouse), his own child, subordinates. He seeks to change, remake others, while not changing himself.
- He is inclined to punish, establish strict rules, demand unconditional submission in order to fulfill his requirements.
- I am convinced that his interests should always be in the first place, everything should serve his interests (“you owe me”, “for me”).
- Seeks to achieve their goals at the expense of others, to the detriment of them.
- Able to entice the weaker, but using them to their advantage.
- He is painfully focused on his own experiences and is not capable of emotional attachment.
- Indifferent, inattentive to the interests, needs, thoughts, emotional and sensory states of others.
- Indifferent to loved ones, to relatives, often condemns them and does not want to communicate with them, separates.
- It may not care about the desires of the majority, because the main thing for him is the mental and physical comfort of his own "I".
- In the house, first of all, he takes into account his interests, his tastes and needs, "pulls a blanket over himself."
- Like when they listen to him and are interested in his life. But he himself does not know how to listen: he interrupts, withdraws into himself, translates the subject into himself, conducts a long monologue or an absent look and indifference.
- He is inclined to live, looping, if not for himself, then on the child, husband / wife, parents.
- Tends to "freebie", to "everything at once", "here and now", the whole system of values is centered around momentary personal well-being.
- He is dependent on life, expects from it “gifts”, instead of counting on the fruits of his own spiritual efforts. Therefore, prone to magical ways to obtain the desired benefits.
- He does not like to hear about his mistakes, miscalculations, shortcomings - he avoids such conversations or breaks up relations.
- It is condescending, justifies itself and its actions, which bring inconvenience and harm to others (until they are completely not noticed).
- He does not want and does not know how to learn from the mistakes of others, experience.
- It is difficult to communicate with people who have their own opinions, think independently (therefore, in his environment they are more often led, blindly believing in authority).
- Underestimates those around him, does not know how to see virtues in them.
- He does not know how to enjoy the achievements of others, and vice versa, is internally satisfied with the losses or failures of others.
- He is inclined to oppose himself to anyone.
- Isolates, alienates, withdraws into himself, strives for constant solitude, loneliness, and, in the end, can become asocial.
- It is difficult to establish a truly close relationship - either kept at a distance or inclined to merge.
- Feels the hostility of the surrounding world, expects an attack. Inwardly vulnerable, touchy (to avoid, to completely break the relationship).
- He does not trust others, and, as a result, he is inclined to create defenses (withdrawal, assault, dullness, drowsiness, fullness, inaccessibility, etc.).
- It may give the impression of an infantile person, unable to take care of himself, dependent on others. In fact, this is an unconscious manipulation with the goal of gaining the attention of others and turning over the care of oneself to someone else.
- It may be unsure of itself, inert, weak-willed, inactive for fear that it will not work, they will not understand. In this case, it is prone to opportunism, silence, fawning, suppression of one’s desires, aspirations.
- Prone to energy vampirism (pours on others his grievances, claims, his health problems, fate, self-pity or constantly grumbling, annoyed, conflicted, dissatisfied with everything and everything).
- Does not know how to accept help from others, avoids, refuses help.
- Demonstrates to everyone how they depend on him, emphasizes “his contribution” to the fate, career, health of this person.
- It can condescendingly transfer things, objects to someone (“what is already worthless to me, you look, it will fit”).
- She does not want to abide by any rules, laws ("but I can do anything").
- Behaves often arrogantly (sometimes to recklessness).
- It imposes orders that lead to discord of people, societies. Promotes conflicts, wars (from family to world).
- He is inclined to mistreat animals, nature - to use in his selfish interests, for the sake of prestige, imaginary beauty, imaginary health, to kill them without special need.
- He appropriates something else in his interests, unrighteously accumulates wealth.
- The tendency to lead a parasitic lifestyle (the desire to live at the expense of someone - a husband, girlfriend, parents, sponsors, donors, etc.).
- Lack of balance in many aspects of life (food, daily routine, entertainment, clothing, home, emotions, instincts, relationships with people).
- Decrease in the level of success towards the end of life, the early appearance of “senile diseases” (insanity, impaired hearing, memory, vision, weak and painful joint mobility, etc.).
- Low motivation for self-improvement ("I am already good!").
- Laziness of thinking ("I'll think about it tomorrow").
- A tendency to illusions, addictions of any kind (alcohol, drugs, social networks, workaholism, hoarding, shopaholism, etc.).
- The concentration of basic life goals, desires in the material sphere.
- Decrease (to the complete absence) of moral criteria for evaluating one’s actions (what you can do is moral, and what you can’t do is immoral, that is, it harms the whole society, all life in general).
Characteristics in childhood
- The only child in the family,
- the most beloved child (often to the detriment of other children), who was spoiled too much in childhood, who grew up in an atmosphere of permissiveness and excessive custody,
- a beautiful child who receives compliments and praise from adults in early childhood,
- a particularly gifted child, often growing up in a talented, but somewhat self-absorbed adult,
- a long-awaited and only child (for example, due to illness),
- a child born “for himself” (for example, a single or unloved husband of a woman),
- a child born (or saved) to the detriment of another child,
- the youngest child in the family who is paid too much attention (especially if there is a big age gap with other children),
- the most painful child, often a disabled person with low intellectual abilities (Down syndrome, cerebral palsy, mental retardation, etc.),
- indifference on the part of surrounding relatives in childhood (unemotional, not warm, always busy with work or finding out relationships, immersed in themselves, asocial, dependent),
- a child who has been overly patronized and deprived of independence from the age of one to three years,
- a child born as a “hindrance”, restriction of freedom of one of the parents, a chain, as a manipulative link to family relationships,
- birth in backward habitats (villages, tribes, dying areas, underdeveloped states),
- birth in a separate city, country or in a race alienated from all,
Characteristic features in appearance
- carefully monitors his appearance, his own prestigious image in the eyes of others, so the appearance is often attractive,
- likes to dress "with a needle", with taste, to stand out among others,
- has (or tries) good manners to have a positive opinion of others,
- fixated on his body (pseudo-love for himself) or, conversely, indifferent to his health.
Characteristics in vocabulary
“I”, “mine”, “me”, “for me”, “with me”, “I want”, “the end justifies the means”, “all means are good”, “who will take care of me, except myself”, “I’m better, brighter, more developed, older, wiser, more experienced, spiritual, etc.” (or the flip side - “I’m nobody”, “I’m dumber, younger, not experienced ... etc.),” everyone thinks only about myself ”,“ I can do anything ”, etc.
Power structures, military, police, rulers, terrorists, colonialists, crime, show business, cosmetology, any magic, rare professions, charitable organizations, business, game business, beauty contests (and any “very best”), work “in alone ", work with a minimum of interaction with people, etc.
Cardiovascular, high blood pressure, diabetes, bronchopulmonary, head diseases, patients, uneven teeth and gums, spine, thyroid, kidneys and liver, hemorrhoids, hernia, cystitis, impotence, frigidity, vaginismus, asthma, weakening of intelligence, consciousness, pathological deterioration and senility, etc.
Rules of conduct with egoists
1) Accept that the egoist never thinks of other people
The first advice when dealing with a selfish person is to be honest with yourself. Understand that an egocentric person will never be able to think about your problems first.
Even if this person means a lot to you, know that he has no interest in other people's feelings and conditions. They can sometimes be very generous and charming, but in most cases they have neither the desire nor the ability to be thoughtful and attentive.
This knowledge will give you a clear understanding of exactly where you are in this relationship.
2) Give yourself the attention you deserve
Selfish people are emotional vampires. They crave your attention, giving nothing in return. To avoid emotional emptiness, give yourself the attention you give to this vampire.
For example, if you feel any discomfort associated with your appearance, then go to the hairdresser and improve your condition. This is called self-satisfaction, and it is a great way to increase your ego.
Ignoring your needs for the sake of giving attention to such an egoist devastates you emotionally and significantly worsens your well-being.
3) Stay true to yourself, do not stoop to its level
A selfish person can click on your specific inner buttons, thereby making you feel very bad. Do not play his games, and do not behave in a way that is not characteristic of you.
Just be true to yourself. It is difficult to be kind to an egocentric person who, in addition to being an ignoramus, is also unkind to you. However, likening him is also not an option.
If you have feelings of anger towards such people, try to focus on who you are.
4) Remind them that the world does not revolve around them
A self-obsessed person is so absorbed in himself that he simply forgets to consider your thoughts and feelings. He needs to be reminded periodically that the world does not revolve around him.
However, do not say this with a claim. For example, instead of: “You never listen to me, constantly it is only about you” try to say: “I really need to talk with someone about what bothers me. Are you ready to listen to me?”
Selfishness and egocentrism
Крайний случай эгоизма – эгоцентризм, когда человек считает себя «центром Вселенной»: он может часами рассказывать о себе, «любимом», нимало не беспокоясь о том, что близкому это может быть не только неинтересно, но и неприятно. На что следует обращать внимание на первом свидании?
Unlike an egoist who is able to do something for others, with the goal of paying attention to him, noting his achievements, the egocentric is incapable of this, believing that everyone is simply obligated to be happy that they have been acquainted with such a wonderful personality like him.
A person with such a character is extremely difficult to get along in the family, considering family members only a tool to achieve their goals and desires. Often this is just a family tyrant, keeping the rest of the family members in constant nervous and mental stress.
Types of Selfishness
Selfishness can be explicit, hidden and open, as well as disguised. It is also conscious and impulsive, far-sighted and short-sighted.
Veil egoism is impossible. He begins to "emerge" both in relationships and in various life situations. For example, some people try to make others believe that their view of the world is the best and the right, while others will talk for hours about themselves, making you feel like small fish. How to keep love at a distance?
In general, selfish people love when the world revolves around them. But there are a number of personal characteristics of bright representatives of egoists who will help you in communicating with them.
How do egoists behave? And how to behave with an egoist?
To begin with, accept that the egoist never thinks of other people.
Be honest with yourself. Understand that the egoist primarily thinks about his problems. They can sometimes be very generous and charming, but in most cases they have neither the desire nor the ability to be attentive to the interests of loved ones. And if egoists do something for others, then one way or another it indirectly affects their interests.
Do not deprive yourself of the attention you deserve
Extremely selfish people who are prone to tyranny crave your attention and positive appreciation. And in return, the egoist instills in you uncertainty, doubt and guilt. Especially after you have done something exclusively for yourself.
Ignoring your needs for the sake of giving attention to such an egoist devastates you emotionally and significantly worsens your well-being. In order to behave properly with an egoist, do not follow his lead, defend your interests and respect yourself.
More often remind the egoist that the world does not revolve around him
The self-centered self-centered is so absorbed in himself that he simply forgets to take into account your thoughts and feelings. The egoist needs to be reminded periodically that you also have problems and your own interests. However, do not talk about this with a complaint. For example, instead of: “You never listen to me, constantly it is only about you” try to say: “I really need to talk with someone about what bothers me. Are you ready to listen to me? ”
Don't give him the attention he needs so much
The trick is to be polite, but never give the egocentric attention that he craves. This works when you respond to their speech with soft, evasive comments. For example, instead of saying, “How could he do this to you?” Simply say, “Yes, it happens.” Signs of the abuser
Remember that your attention and time are your wealth.
In communication with the egoist, raise topics that interest you specifically. For example, if he says: “You will not believe what my friend told me!”, Then you can answer: “Do you happen to know how much cutting and sewing courses cost now?”
The more your topics are not related to each other, the better. Let the egoist understand that your time is precious and you won’t waste it on useless conversations.
Try to limit your time together as much as possible.
But remember that the reactions on the part of the egoist can be very different, from tantrums to anger, but hold on firmly. It is better to spend time alone than with selfish people.
How to behave with an egoist?
5) Do not give him the attention he needs so much
This is a powerful strategy for communicating with extremely selfish people who do not think about others at all. The trick is to be polite, but never give the egocentric attention that he craves.
This works when you respond to their speech with soft, evasive comments. For example, instead of saying, "Poor thing, how could he do this to you?" just say, "Yes, that is life."
This will take them out of balance for a while. Remember that attention is your wealth. If you do not give it to the egoist, he will most likely go away.
6) Raise topics that interest you
No matter what you are interested in, whether it's joinery, cooking, or politics, pick them up in a conversation with a self-deepened person instead of devoting your attention to the topics that he starts.
For example, if he says: “You will not believe what my friend told me!”, Then you can answer: “Do you happen to know how much cutting and sewing courses cost now?”
The stronger your topic is not related to the topic of a selfish interlocutor, the better. Continue to focus on your topic no matter what, and you will see how he wants to run away from you faster when he realizes that you are not interested in his selfish stories.
7) Stop providing them services
Selfish people are always asked to do them a favor, however, you can’t find them with fire during the day when you need help. That is their essence.
Despite the fact that it is important to be tolerant and give a selfish friend or partner a chance to change, it is equally important not to let him sit on your neck, especially if it hurts you.
Thus, when the egoist asks you to do too much for him, there is no need to go on about it. Understand that a person absolutely does not appreciate what you do for him, and you do worse only for yourself, since it makes you feel that you are useless.
If you find yourself in a situation where you need to protect yourself, speak briefly and to the point, as selfish people are not the best listeners.
8) Limit the time you spend together
Once you realize that someone is too focused on yourself, it is time to stay away from him.
Try to limit as much as possible joint pastime. If you are used to drinking coffee every night, then try to push the dates of meetings further and further, do not call the person and do not respond to his messages.
Reactions can be very different, from tantrums to anger, but hold on tight. It is better to spend time alone than with selfish people.
9) Engage in an active search for new friends
Remember the pain, fatigue and suffering associated with the fact that you gave your emotional energy to selfish, inattentive people, and refuse this in the future. Forbid yourself to get involved with such people.
Embark on a search for new friends who will repay you with the same coin for your attention. In fact, there are a lot of places where you can find new comrades: social events, volunteer organizations, etc.
10) End the relationship
If the selfish person you are dealing with seems unable to change, it is likely that he is not just an egoist, but a narcissistic narcissist. Daffodils are not only selfish and self-centered, they are not able to sympathize with another person and simply use others.
It is more difficult to deal with them than with ordinary egoists. You can offer them professional help, but if this does not work, you need to immediately stop communicating. Life is too short to wallow in a toxic relationship with selfish people who suck energy and happiness from you.