Useful Tips

How to forgive the betrayal of loved ones


Maryana Romanova, published January 25, 2016, 06:00

The usual Moscow Friday night is a relaxed, snowy one. The half-empty bar has a foul smell of baked apples. The bartender, with dreadlocks and a tattooed iguana on his shoulder, looks meaningfully at the blonde in the red dress, lonely sipping prosecco at the counter, then at the table at which my friend and I sat. The bartender is hardly more than twenty, he has the look of a pirate, Darth Vader on a tattered t-shirt, he radiates carelessness and arrogant childish happiness.

But the woman who is sitting opposite me does not notice anything - her gaze is fixed on a plate with pristine lingonberry pie. She complains that “the man has been shredding now”, love is impossible, all relations are built according to the same scenario, all are doomed, “we will all perish”.

Four months ago, the woman was left by a man with whom she had shared shelter, bed and plans for the future for more than four years. He left it badly, ugly - he didn’t even endow it with a farewell grateful conversation. I left a note - they say, dear, you're tired of your claims and the forty-eighth size, I'm leaving for our general instructor in Latin American dances, we have been lovers for a month now.

Well, it would seem, left and left. Sometimes it happens. Time heals. Well, in general.

But all these months, her life is filled with poisonous destructive thoughts that exist in the vector from "he is just a shallow bastard" to "I am almost forty, I live in a cruel city of triumphant chauvinism, probably I have not become a cake."

“These thoughts haunt me. I can’t sleep for hours - I toss and turn and think about it. How could he. Why didn’t I understand? Why didn't you feel the wormhole in him? Why did you miss the alarms? ”

And a couple of days before she poured this poison on me in the bar, I had to listen to almost the same thing from a friend. He also considered himself a devotee, and this poisoned his life.

A sloppy programmer who, in his early forties, decided that he didn’t really live, but seemed to play mediocre plays in the scenery for his personal Groundhog Day. Everything is fake: a cluttered apartment, boring work, similar dates, which he automatically goes to, although in reality he does not dream of a family, but of a trip around the world, for which there is neither money nor health. Once he decided to get out of this wheel of samsara in a romantic, boyish way - he bought a snowboard, went to Cheget, sent “letters of happiness” about how beautiful life is from there, and then fell on a slope, broke his collarbone and both legs, and now lies in the surgical department in anticipation of the moment when his bones are fastened with special titanium plates. Lying and aching: “Why, why did I do it! I feel like a fooled cheat, but the worst thing is that I cheated myself! Led to the illusion. "

He also faced betrayal. It was as if these mountains had betrayed him, the wind blowing in his face had betrayed him by the false sense of happiness and “real life” that filled him when he raced down the snowy slope.

It’s always difficult to leave. It doesn’t matter what you take away from life - the person whom you thought was your favorite, the idea that nourished, the concept of the future, which seemed to be already in your pocket, but a series of events turned it to dust.

Parting itself is sometimes like death.

The sages, from the authors of sacred texts who have long left the material world to the smiling teeth of leading psychological trainings, repeat in unison: they must be forgiven and released. Be sure in that order. Just striking out without forgiveness does not work - it is as if to seal a purulent wound with a plaster.

And there are tons of useful universal tips on this. For example, to formulate a "grateful list" - to fix those positive particulars that brought into your life someone who later turned out to be a traitor. To concentrate only on the good, even in those cases when it comes down to "we had so much fun together." But it is still desirable to dismember this “fun” into details. Each item on the list is a stab in the thick rope with which you are attached to the betrayer. In the end, the rope will become thinner, torn, and you will feel as light as a balloon. Throw offense like unnecessary ballast.

One of my acquaintances has a more fun recipe on this subject (doubtful from the point of view of “kindness and light”, but who said that black humor cannot be healing too?): “I can imagine what I would say at the funeral of this person. Here is a table with pancakes and kutya, a photograph in a mourning frame, it comes to me to say a toast and ... It seems like eternity has already reconciled everyone with everyone, the mouse fuss of intrigues no longer matters, and we need to remember something good and preferably funny. To defuse the situation, so to speak. ” The advice is not from an enlightened guru, but it works too.

Letting go of the traitor is a difficult quest. Because a complex man, whose consciousness is accustomed to reflection, in his painful fabrications will certainly one day wander into Mother Vina’s hut. Like, how so, why I allowed to do this to myself, where my eyes were.

That is, it is necessary to forgive not only the traitor, but also his inner gullible fool, who made such an outcome possible.

Once, a close friend admitted that since childhood she has been conducting an internal dialogue with offenders from the past. She has a whole world inside, in which there was a place for everyone. And for a certain five-year-old Lucy, once from harm to shreds tearing her beloved teddy bear ("Out of harm! Imagine, just like that!"). And for the colleague Anatoly, who at the New Year's corporate party gave her a drink of champagne, he flamboyantly confessed his love, took him to his bachelor's studio in Butovo, and the next morning had the audacity to ring the whole office that she was cold and “not rolling.” And never came to her again - even greeted through gritted teeth. And for a close friend who borrowed an impressive amount, she skipped all the money, and then she stopped even answering SMS. “Just erased me from life. A few thousand dollars - and now I do not exist. I then did not find a place for myself, it was worse than if a man had left. We had such proximity, she knew everything about me. ” And even for her own father, whom she vaguely remembered: it seemed that in her childhood there was something big, with a beard smelling of tobacco smoke, it threw up to the ceiling, treated to lemonade and ice cream and left not even specific memories, but some aftertaste of happiness and fullness. Father left when she was not even five years old. He moved to his mistress in another city. They never saw each other again.

“I'm talking to them. This is my therapy. Although deep down I understand that this is more of a well, not a healing. But I can’t do anything. In my fantasies, all these people ask for forgiveness. Lucy says that she’s very sorry that she just wanted to be friends with me, but she didn’t know how to approach me, and aggression is a way for wimps to ask for help. And the betrayed friend says: "I'm sorry, I was about to call a hundred times, but the most unpleasant thing is to communicate with those whom you offended." And dad - and I don’t even remember his face - dad talks to me too. Forgive me, daughter, I was such a fool. But we felt good together, and these memories are the best that I have left over time. They all tell me this, and I cry, and this is catharsis. And it doesn’t matter - maybe Lucy from my childhood is just an aggressive psychopath, and dad would not recognize my face among the ten proposed faces. Never mind. This is just my game, my forgiveness. ”

Forgiving a traitor is first and foremost forgiving himself.

His inner Pinocchio, who was lured into the country of fools.

Blessed inner, who behind the text did not see the subtext, which measured others by itself and fell into an insulting trap.

Fool your inner. It will also have to be accepted - otherwise, parting with the traitor will be just the next link in the chain of life circumstances, and not a new step in development, not a lesson. I love the words of Concordia Antarova: there are no enemies for you, there are no friends for you, all people are teachers for you.

Well, and most importantly - after that, do not close and do not build up steel armor.

After all, we live in an era of socially unapproved weakness. Everyone prays for strength, everyone wants to be strong. Recently, I participated in a debate about what true self-esteem is: to repulse if you have been wronged, or to remain in such a state of consciousness that it is not possible to offend you at all.

Most people are a set of targets of varying degrees of tracing - I don’t want to hit. A walking collection of weak points. Here, if you want to survive, you will inevitably learn to either disguise yourself or attack, pulling the arguments that this is self-esteem by long ears. But if you know for sure that behind the thickness of everything that prevents you from being impeccable, there is a certain Absolute, something immortal and pure, if you prefer to look for support not in a cocoon, but in a butterfly dormant in it, then the attitude to the details of the world is in including the feeling of resentment - is changing. It becomes impossible to offend or hurt you.

And in general, why is it considered that protection is an art? Protection is just a skill that is easy to master. Our entire wounded society is imbued with the idea of ​​protection. From high-lying trolling, where fifty shades of exquisite rudeness are so easy to confuse even with naive bluntness, even with background misanthropy that has become fashionable, to a direct hit in the face somewhere in a dark gateway. Why is Dr. House so popular? Because he is also a genius of protection, and even what - peppered with high intelligence and the ability to coolly joke.

True art is just defenselessness. Everyone can defend themselves, and you try to trust, show a soft abdomen - this is where true strength of mind is sometimes required. Especially if you have already been betrayed many times.

You forgive - forgive the blessed inner fool, forgive the one who has acted with you ignoble, and the world is changing.

Suddenly this meaningless tetris game ends with fragments of other people's phrases and motives - this has nothing to do with you. The act of the traitor is his karma, your reaction and thoughts about it are your karma.

P.S. But that woman, who was sitting with me in a bar smelling of baked apples, nevertheless, at some point, stepped out of the gloom, looked up from the untouched food on the plate, answered the smile of the dreadful bartender with Darth Vader on his T-shirt. They even exchanged phones and agreed on something. I’m not sure that this is all serious, but life will show.

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Can betrayal be forgiven

Betrayal is the norm for many. If a conflict of interest arises, then a friend, whatever he may be, is likely to defend personal interests. This is selfish, but the average person does not think about it.

Few people living on the planet are able to give up opportunities for the well-being of a friend, colleague, classmate, and so on.

During the reign of the kings, the traitors were executed, because they were sure that the betrayer once, can easily do it again. Many years have passed since then, few people use physical force against the offender or traitor.

Although the situations are different, civilized people do not solve issues with the help of fists. The only thing that can be done is to permanently delete the traitor from his life.

It also happens that it is impossible to completely refuse to communicate with him, in this case, it is worth thinking three times before trusting all his secrets to him again.

  • Through forgiveness, man shows his generosity,
  • He is trying to be above all this,
  • The desire to cross out everything bad
  • The desire to return to their former lives,
  • The conviction that nothing human is alien to us.

According to some statistics, people are ready to forgive the betrayal, but not to forget it. You can pretend that everything is back to square one, you can even smile at the person who betrayed you once, but you can’t trust him anymore, that would be a gross, unforgivable mistake.

How to forgive the betrayal of a loved one

By betrayal of a loved one, as a rule, is meant treason. The one who is betrayed experiences a range of negative emotions: resentment, misunderstanding, pain, and so on. How to forgive the betrayal in this case?

Recommendations on the topic:

Spiritual torment is so strong that it’s not possible to figure it out on your own. Often, representatives of the beautiful half of humanity turn to psychologists for help. Men prefer to deal with these kinds of problems in other ways.

First steps to forgiveness

Negative emotions so absorb a person that he is simply not able to think sensibly for a while. I want to make the traitor very painful, so that he also suffers and worries. You can call your loved one hundred times a day, call him to account, threaten, cry, and so on.

But, the fact remains, you were betrayed. You need to choose the right model of behavior. Give yourself a day to feel sorry for yourself, throw out negative emotions, do not sort out relationships with the traitor that day, wait until the passions calm down.

Perhaps tomorrow this problem will not seem to you so global and insoluble. The following steps will help you find the answer to the question "how to forgive betrayal."

  • Relive this pain
  • Sorry offender
  • Let the situation go
  • Think about yourself and your desires
  • Change the look at this situation radically.

It would seem that everything is so simple, but at the same time it is a titanic work that will help to overcome all difficulties on the way to personal happiness.

Forgiving the weaknesses of other people is useful, because only by understanding this person’s thoughts and motivation can one accept betrayal as something inevitable.

It also happens that you do not have to forgive, because the traitor does not need either your forgiveness or understanding. In this case, you just have to let go of the person and start a new life in the hope of meeting a more worthy companion or partner in life.

Consider this as a chance given from above, because now you can build your life yourself, you see, this is not so bad.

Is it worth forgiving betrayal

It is terrible to realize that the person whom you trusted more than anything in the world has acted so meanly and cruelly towards you. Many believe that forgiving such a person means betraying himself.

So, is it worth it to forgive? How prepared are you for this? Changing another person is almost impossible, unless he himself wants to. Forgiving is quite difficult, but a person must decide for himself what it will give him.

It happens that the traitor repents of his act, he asks for forgiveness, swears that this will never happen again. He speaks so sincerely that he wants to cross out those unpleasant moments and heal, as before, as if none of this had happened.

But in conflict situations, you will involuntarily return to the incident, because you are able to betray once, betray the second.

Forgiveness for profit

Many people turn a blind eye to the misconduct of loved ones, taking care of their own benefit. This can be both the material side of the issue, and the moral.

It is important to understand the difference between forgiving and honestly accepting a situation.

In the first case, a person will perforce return to what happened, in the second case, he will never remember this, considering it a passed stage of life.

Life lessons

They say that a person is prepared for as many trials as he can withstand. Any difficulty can reveal the person’s internal reserves, which he had not previously suspected. It is important to accept problems as lessons, and not as punishments.

How many people, so many options for overcoming problems. Some forgive and forget what happened, while others reject all fears and enjoy life, not letting close people who cause distrust.

To sincerely forgive, it is necessary to work, first of all, on your settings. Is it necessary to forgive the traitor? You should not rely on the advice of well-known publications, friends and relatives in this matter. This is your life and you have the right to dispose of it at your discretion.