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How to learn to communicate with people? We comprehend the art of effective communication


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People are mysterious creatures. They do not come complete with instructions, and there are much more problems with them than with the new version of Windows. You never know what to expect from them! If you have problems communicating with people you know and unfamiliar with, wikiHow will insure you. Start with Step 1 to get to happy communication without obstacles.

What gives communication with people?

Communication skills with people are required for us every day. Some believe that effective communication is something from the arsenal of business psychology, and people who don’t need to conduct business negotiations need to learn to communicate. And this is a big mistake that can be expensive.

Communication with people is an important part of our life. Thanks to the ability to clearly express our thoughts and listen, we can not only achieve career success, but also make friends, establish relationships with family and friends. Psychologists know that most conflicts in a couple and even divorces are caused not by insurmountable contradictions, but by a banal inability to negotiate. And how many people suffer from loneliness only because he is embarrassed to speak with a pretty stranger or a stranger! In a word, everyone needs the ability to communicate. This is the key to success in all areas of life. Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Ronald Reagan, Winston Churchill and Jacques Chirac would hardly have reached the heights of the political Olympus if they had not been so brilliant orators. Steve Jobs is known for his speeches no less than innovative computer developments. The legendary beauties of past centuries in ceremonial portraits do not impress at all with external data - however, contemporaries in their memoirs praise them not so much for beauty as for their ability to conduct a conversation.

It should be noted that “talking” and “talking” are not the same thing. Communication is a complex process that consists of both verbal communication (what we say) and non-verbal communication (the way we do it). And the second type of communication is much more important - the greatest influence on the interlocutor is not the meaning of our words, but the sound and timbre of the voice, posture and gestures. And, finally, the most important thing is our thoughts and feelings that are in our subconscious. This is a fear of rejection, rejection, anger at offenders, etc. They influence the reaction of our interlocutors and determine our level of ability to communicate.

Why are we afraid to be heard?

What is stopping us from talking? Shyness, fear of saying stupidity or being misunderstood, fear of expressing one’s opinion, low self-esteem and even problems with diction - all of these problems are based on psychology. Often their roots go back to the distant past - to childhood or adolescence. As adults, we forget those unpleasant moments that have thrown a seed of uncertainty into us, but they continue to influence our behavior. The annoyed “Don't talk bullshit!” From parents, painful speeches at the blackboard in the classroom, ridicule of peers - all this in adult life turns into serious communication difficulties.

To identify and eliminate the cause of communication difficulties, it is necessary to work with a psychologist. But the first and most important step is the recognition that the problem exists, and the desire to solve it.

If you are afraid to talk to people, start by phone calls. For example, instead of going to the website of a beauty salon and finding out everything about prices or services, call there and find out everything by asking the administrator questions. Make a list of questions, do not hesitate to ask for details and clarify.

Psychology of communication with people

The psychology of communicating with people is based on several rules that are most clearly and clearly formed by the famous psychologist and writer Dale Carnegie. He released his most famous books in the 1930s and 40s, but since then nothing has changed in human behavior and these rules are still relevant.

Rule number 1. Sincerely interested in others.

We all consider ourselves unique and want to be interesting to others. Remember your experience in communication - we are always more willing to talk not with those who say smart things, but with those who let us know that we ourselves are interesting.

Rule number 2. Smile.

During psychological research, it was proved that smiling people seem generally more attractive to us. We tend to attribute to them the best human qualities. A smile shows the interlocutor that communicating with him is joy and pleasure.

Rule number 3. Remember that your own name is the most pleasant word for any person.

By naming a person by name, we give him the simplest and most natural compliment. The name for us expresses individuality. That is why many people are so annoyed when someone misinterprets their name or uses a form that they don’t like - for example, “Manya” instead of “Maria”. Using the name of a person in a conversation, you seem to say to him: "You are an amazing person and a bright personality."

Rule number 4. Learn to listen.

Sadly, few people can really listen to the interlocutor - most often, especially in the heat of a dispute, we just wait for our turn to speak, not delving into what they are trying to convey to us. But demonstration of attention is a powerful tool of influence. Listen to the person, ask him additional questions and do not hide your emotions if you hear something new or amazing. And if you remember the statements that the interlocutor himself seemed successful, and by chance screw them in the next conversation, he will simply be submissive.

Rule number 5. Talk about what interests your interlocutor.

Each has its own "horse". If you find the topic that excites your interlocutor, you will bring it to you. This applies to business communication, and ordinary friendly conversations. Even if the topic does not seem particularly important to you, do not close - try to listen carefully and find out something valuable for yourself. Not for nothing that the Chinese sages said that you can learn from the first comer.

Rule number 6. Sincerely demonstrate to the interlocutor its significance.

The key word here is "sincerely." Perhaps this is the most difficult part of the psychology of communication. People feel falsehood, and even those who love flattery in all forms will feel something was wrong if your enthusiasm is simulated. Look in everyone for something that really seems admirable to you, and honestly praise these character traits.

Body language is the key to success

It is important that you say, but more importantly, how you do it. Imagine a speaker who is hunching, muttering under his breath - how many will heed his words? Sometimes non-verbal signals are much more significant than words. Assessing the interlocutor, we not only listen to what he is talking about - we subconsciously pay attention to his posture, voice timbre and speed of speech. The main non-verbal signs are universal, they are equally perceived throughout the world. How to keep yourself to be listened to?

“Heavy look”, “Looks askew” or “Eyes are on fire”, “Looks affectionately” - even in colloquial speech, people who have no idea about psychology note the power of the look. With the help of special psychological trainings, you can learn to look at your interlocutor correctly - openly, but not oppressing, not looking away and constantly letting a person know that he is interesting to you. Psychologists distinguish between different types of gaze for different situations - a business, social and intimate look.

A person is able to subconsciously recognize and interpret the most invisible movements of the facial muscles. Facial expressions are an important source of knowledge about the interlocutor. Knowing the expression of emotions, we not only understand the mood of others, but we ourselves can send them the necessary signals.

We tend to listen to those people who are standing in front of us in an open pose - that is, they are not fenced off by anything. A handbag clasped to the chest, arms crossed or hidden in pockets, a “foot by foot” pose, clenched fists - all this speaks of the interlocutor’s desire to build an obstacle between you, to isolate yourself. And vice versa, an open pose, smooth and unhurried gestures and open palms signal to those around: "I am calm, friendly and open to dialogue." Communication asss often use the mirroring method, with a slight delay repeating the pose and gestures of the interlocutor - this subconsciously has people open up. However, such techniques need to learn.

1. Go ahead without them

If you see someone who insists on his own and instills his emotional atmosphere around you, then it becomes clear that they are harmful. You suffer from their relationship to you. They dictate to you what to do, their attitude towards you does not attract you at all. If you have never received signs of respect and support from these people, ask yourself the logical question: “Do I need them?”

When harmful people leave your life, then it becomes easier for you to breathe. You even feel how the world has changed. If circumstances and common sense insist on this, leave them and go. Without a twinge of conscience! To be strong means to be able to say “enough”. When you move away from negative people, this does not mean that you hate them, it means that without them YOU would be better. And do not say that selfishness is bad.

2. Stop pretending their behavior is the norm

If you are not careful, toxic people can use their capricious behavior to benefit from you, sit on your neck and drag chestnuts from the fire with your hands. Harmful people do not change, do not console yourself with a senseless belief in it. Stop reacting to their attempts to manipulate you, they will not die without your attention, they just pretend. When you do not fulfill even their smallest request, you will see their real frightening faces. This is really a change, man!

Constant dramas, negative emotions and lack of response are never worth it to endure. If someone is over 21 years old and this is an unreasonable, unreliable, non-mature person that you can’t rely on, and you have to almost change diapers behind him, it's time to send such a person on a hiking trip.

Some people love living at the expense of others. They like to humiliate, oppress, dictate their conditions to him, set ultimatums, arrange tantrums, and so on and so forth. Don't take this behavior dude! They will continue to do this until you allow them to do this, so turn the feint with your ears and tell them to stop trying to manipulate you and use you to their advantage. Unfortunately, about most problems, people prefer to be silent rather than discuss them. Correct this annoying omission!

Toxic people try to use anger and tantrum to influence you. Others ignore you in every possible way, and when you tell them about your problems, they can nod and say: “So what?” If you try to be indignant at least once with such inhuman behavior, you will encounter a really strange reaction to your words. These people can turn into real monsters, they will scream, throw lightning and become frankly not like themselves. But this is their real face, man! To bring people to clean water and see this behavior, you just have to speak bluntly. Frighteningly straight. They don’t like that. It is enough to say something like these three phrases:

  • I noticed that you are angry. Did something happen ... SIGNIFICANT?
  • I look, you're bored. What I say does not matter to you?
  • You upset me with your attitude towards me. Are you doing this?

4. Be persistent

Your dignity can be attacked, ruined and trampled into the mud, but no one can ever take it from you if you did not voluntarily give it to reproach your enemies. Find the strength in yourself to protect the boundaries of your personal space.

Show that the incident didn’t hurt you and no one diminished your dignity. These people behave this way because you allow them to. Put them in their place, let them know! But for God's sake, do not pretend that you do not notice their insults: they will stay with you for a long time.

5. Do not think that the reason for this behavior is in you

Know that the reason is in them, not in you!

Harmful people are trying in every possible way to prove to you that you are doing something wrong. They constantly press the “Feelings of Guilt” button to make you feel something like that. They depend on you, they milk you for emotions. They in every possible way undermine your self-confidence and unsettle you. Do not let them do this!

By the way, if it somehow reassures you, negative people behave like that always! With all people in their environment, with “worthy people” or with some chosen ones.

If it seems to you that you are to blame for something, think about it several times, perhaps this negative person just made you think so in a cunning way.

6. Find time for yourself

If you are forced to live or work with toxic people, make sure that you have enough time to relax, rest and recover after such “communication”. If you are careless, harm can easily be transmitted to you. Anyone except these people will understand that you need rest and personal space. You deserve to live without pressure of any kind, you deserve to live without them. Rest your soul if you cannot give up their company, but rather ... get away from them!